March 14th

All morning I have been feeling like I needed to sit down and post something. As I sat down and started typing it hit me. Today is March 14th! When I got the call from my Endocrinologist's office to give us our pregnancy test results I was terrified to answer the phone. All I remember hearing is, "You are pregnant" and "Your due date is March 14th". I remember hanging up the phone in utter shock! And all I kept saying through the tears was. "I have a due date. I FINALLY have a due date!" Today's date is one I don't think I will ever forget. It is both a painful reminder and reminder that I once had one of my biggest hopes and dreams come true. Even though the excitement was short lived it was there at one point. I am lucky to have even gotten to that point!

I can't believe how long it has been since my first post! I didn't realize just how hard the one year mark was going to be for me. I knew it would be hard and I tried to keep myself extra busy during October. I over committed myself and planned too much! Live and learn, right? October, November and December flew by.

I  haven't forgotten about the blog. I have actually thought about the blog quite a bit but haven't made the time to do anything about it. I am currently working on the layout and design. I am not a graphic designer and really don't know what I am doing but I will figure it out :)

As I have been thinking about the blog the past several months I have been writing down notes of ideas that come to me and really been trying to get an idea of the direction I want to go. As I have navigated the first year and half since my loss I have learned so many things about life, myself and others. I never imagined this would be my life or that I would have to face such a trial. I have experienced so many emotions that are completely new to me. Some have been very trying and others have been eye opening. I have noticed myself being more sympathetic to others and not being so quick to judge. I know many around me feel that I have changed and that I am not the same me that they are used to. I am not! I have been through something hard, heartbreaking and very trying. Anytime we go through trials in our life I am confident in saying that we never walk away from our trials the same person. But that topic can be a whole post of it own! I hope that through opening up and sharing my experiences I can help at least one person. I have always been an extremely private person, especially when it comes to infertility! In fact I made my husband promise that he wouldn't tell anyone we were doing fertility treatments and I tried to keep my pregnancy a secret as long as I could. Being pregnant with triplets in the beginning made that very difficult pretty quick but I was determined and made it to about 14 weeks before I officially announced it. Once it was announced I felt forced to open up a little bit about the trial of even becoming pregnant and then when our boys were born at 17 weeks and had no choice but to be open about what had happened. It has been hard for me to be open but I have found healing and strength in talking about it with people. I hope that I can give a little bit of comfort and strength to those reading this. Both to those that are experiencing it first hand and those that are supporting people they love through it.

Feel free to reach out to me with any questions! I would love to hear what you are interested most in hearing about my experience.

I promise more posts are coming!

October's Road

After 10 years of marriage and eight to nine years of trying to get pregnant, we finally got the news in July of last year (2013) that our IVF cycle was a success and we were having a baby! We later found out we were in fact pregnant with triplets, which was a shock to our doctor and ourselves since we had only transferred two embryos. One of the babies’ (baby C) heartbeat was significantly low and we were told that he or she probably wouldn’t make it. An ultrasound a week later confirmed that we lost baby C. Everything was looking great on babies A and B, though. While saddened about the loss of one, my husband and I were ecstatic to be expecting at all! Ever since I could remember thinking about my future, I have always wanted multiples.

Because we had waited so long and been through so much to get to this point, my husband and I were on Cloud Nine. I felt like we were finally cruising down life’s road with a new found sense of hope and excitement. We had finally gotten around all the “dead end” and “wrong way” paths, and we were racing towards the “finish line” of our hopes and dreams of raising children. 

We had successfully made it past the 12-week “safety” time period. At 15 weeks we were able to find out the genders. My husband was hoping for twin boys. I was hoping for at least one girl. Most people would guess either twin girls or a boy and a girl. The ultrasound revealed twin boys! I remember feeling shocked, excited and little disappointed that I would have to return the cute floral and ruffled outfits. My husband was beaming! When we got in the car it took us all of about eight minutes to decide on their names. We settled on Crew Philip and Beckett Allen. The first names were names we loved and the middle names are family names. The more time that went by, the more I loved the idea of raising twin boys! I couldn’t wait to see my husband be a father to them and to see each of their little personalities.

While cruising through June, July, August and September, we definitely hit a few bumps in the road but we kept our sights on that finish line. We never saw October coming! On Wednesday, October 2, at 17 weeks along, I experienced some really heavy bleeding. My doctor referred us to see a Maternal Fetal Specialist the following day. We left the specialist with mixed emotions but he was confident things would work out! We were clinging to his confidence and staying hopeful. Later that evening on Thursday, October 3, I began having some light cramping. I wasn’t too worried because I often felt cramping at night and usually if I drank a lot of water and/or used the restroom, it would subside. I will say I didn’t really feel great but I thought it was just because I was pregnant with twins and had had a long couple of days. (I had asked the doctors over and over what to watch for. What I was feeling wasn’t anything like what they had warned me about or told me I would experience should labor start) I got up to use the restroom and as soon as I sat down, I felt something weird. I sat there for a minute thinking “that was weird” and when I looked… my heart sank! I was looking at two tiny, little, perfect feet. My baby boy had just entered this world way too early and in the worst way possible. I sat there for a minute in shock and then started screaming for my husband. Those next several minutes were full of fear, shock, heartbreak, terror and chaos. It was a whirlwind of emotions and yet it felt like everything and everyone was moving in slow motion. The paramedics arrived and we were rushed by ambulance to the hospital. They had called the hospital to see if they could cut the umbilical cord but the hospital told them to leave him attached. On the ambulance ride to hospital I couldn’t see or hold him. Once we got to the hospital, I was rushed to labor and delivery. Hearing that one of my doctors was already in the hospital brought a sense of relief. After a quick assessment they cut the umbilical cord. The nurse picked up our little boy and said, “his little heart is still beating.” My heart sank even more. This whole time I assumed there was no life in him. I looked at my husband and without either of us saying anything I knew we both were thinking, “Is he suffering? Is he in pain?” I then felt guilty that I wasn’t able to hold him, wrap him in loving arms, and cherish each and every minute of his life during the ride to the hospital. I hope that his short time here on earth was not a struggle for him! The time from when he delivered at home, to when his heart stopped beating was about an hour. When we finally got to hold him, look at him and take in all of his perfect little features, we quickly decided he would be given the name of Crew Philip. He had his daddy’s long fingers and toes. His little feet looked exactly like my husbands! It was amazing how much we could tell about this little boy at just 17 weeks of development. He would have grown to look just like his dad!

We were told that Crew’s brother was in the birth canal and would be arriving in the next six hours or so. Well, we waited all night and nothing. Crew’s placenta decided to stay put and so did Beckett. That morning my doctor ordered another ultrasound to see what was happening. To everyone’s surprise Beckett had retracted from the birth canal! Apparently that just doesn’t happen. The Maternal Fetal Specialist was called and I was taken for evaluation. We were told that this was really rare and that even if he can hold on, the statistics say survival is not likely. Plus, the fact that Crew’s placenta didn’t deliver was adding a long list of risks. We basically were given the option to induce and be done or wait it out and see (with risks). No one was really willing to give us much more guidance than that. The list of risks was scary and made me want to say, “let’s induce and be done.” BUT I was looking at the screen of my ultrasound seeing this little boy with a strong heartbeat and moving around oblivious to the circumstances. AND he had already given us one miracle by retracting from the birth canal. How could I say, “induce me”? That meant ending the life of this little boy who I had waited so long for and gone through so much to get to this point. How could I give up on him when he seemed to be fighting for us? My husband and I returned to our room. We asked our families to give us some time to talk alone. Neither of us was willing to give up! After awhile we told everyone of our decision to keep fighting and to do whatever it would take to get Beckett to a point he could be delivered and given a fighting chance. We were immediately surrounded with love and support from family and my doctors.

Friday, October 4, came and went. On Saturday, October 5, we were told they would keep us one more day and if nothing happened, they would have to release us tomorrow. I think we all were a little worried to be released. My doctors told us they were willing to do whatever they could to help get Beckett here safely. Saturday afternoon, everyone went home to finally get some sleep. Ben and I were alone in the hospital. We didn’t have to say much. We just looked at each other and our eyes said it all. We were so exhausted and drained! We tried to sleep but neither of us could. Later that evening Ben’s dad came to the hospital to watch the General Priesthood Meeting Broadcast with Ben (we are Mormon and the weekend this all was happening was our General Conference weekend. You can learn more here). While they were watching, I rolled over on my side with my back to them. I was praying and pleading with my Heavenly Father to give me the strength I needed to leave this hospital still pregnant and for peace of mind over the long and scary list of risks that went with that decision. I was terrified to leave the hospital but determined to do whatever I had to do for Beckett. At the end of my prayer I asked that if at the end of this pregnancy I would not be going home with a healthy baby boy then to please take him now because I can’t leave and get my hopes up, only to be crushed again.  Around 9:30 PM the nurses gave me something to help me sleep and Ben took some over the counter PM stuff to help him sleep as well.

Just after midnight, I woke up feeling like something was not right and so I paged my nurse. I told her I felt like I might be bleeding. She checked and didn’t see any blood. She suggested I make a trip to the bathroom. As soon as I stood up from the bed, a gush of water hit the floor. She told me my water just broke and to get back in the bed. She ran to page my doctor. I was trying to wake Ben up but he was out! A few minutes later, a bunch of nurses came in and turned on all the lights and started prepping the room for delivery. Ben woke up very confused. When I told him my water broke and Beckett was coming, we looked at each other with that look we had come to know too well, brokenhearted. Ben called everyone to let them know and once again our families raced to the hospital to be there for us. Not too long after one of my doctors arrived, I told him I wasn’t feeling good and I thought Beckett was coming. A couple of minutes later, Beckett was delivered. I got one good look at him and then felt like I was going to pass out. I started hemorrhaging. I could feel it and I knew it wasn’t good. The nurse checked my temperature at told my doctor it was 104. I looked at my doctor and we made eye contact. The look on his face was not a look you want to see on your doctor’s face. He was worried. After that, I was in and out of consciousness and was soon being wheeled down the hall to the OR. When I woke up my whole body was puffy and I was hooked up to many IVs. I ended up needing four units of blood, platelets and plasma. I didn’t wake up until 6:30 that morning. About 5 hours after Beckett was born. I was finally able to hold him and observe all of his tiny perfect features. He looked completely different than his brother. He had more of my features. He definitely had my fingers and toes. Again I was in complete awe over how much we could tell about this sweet boy at just 17 weeks of development. He would have grown to look more like his mom! My husband told me that he also lived for about an hour after he was delivered. Again I hoped that he didn’t suffer or feel pain during his short time here. I was glad that my husband was able to hold him and be with him, but again I felt guilty that I wasn’t.

When my doctor came in to check on me he looked like he had been through the ringer. He sat down in a chair with his head hanging. He looked up at me and said, “You scared the hell out of me. I thought we were going to lose you.“ He then went on to tell me what all the IVs were for and what would be happening over the next few hours to make sure I was fully stabilized. I was so focused on Beckett that I didn’t really grasp the severity of the situation; it wasn’t until much later that I was filled in on everything that had been done to save my life. Those six hours after Beckett’s delivery, Ben and I had been through very different experiences. Ben was holding his son, watching his tiny heart beat and his little chest rise and fall until his little spirit returned to Heaven. Meanwhile, down the hall doctors and nurses were trying to save me. Our families were with us through it all, just as exhausted and drained as we were. And can I just say how amazing my doctors and nurses were! I am so grateful for everyone who played a role in our lives during this time. We were blessed to be surrounded by the absolute best!

After leaving the hospital with empty arms, broken hearts and shattered dreams, I had no way to explain what I was feeling. Looking back I think a good way to sum it up would be: I felt like we had just been blindsided by a large truck that had pushed us onto a rocky road, far from view of our finish line and without direction. October’s road is one we didn’t expect to find ourselves on but seeing as how we survived the impact, we now have to pick up the pieces and navigate our way back to the road that leads to our finish line.